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| Ok, so yeah this is written for myself and no one else. it is to get things out that normally i can't. why do things always have to blow up? why are there always lies, and things taken the wrong way? i just want everything to end. i really do. i could really care less about what people say about me, or what they thing. If people want to suggest that i am a terrible person, then they can think that. personally i think that i am a good person. i have been forgiving to everyone in my life to a point. I have forgiven family members for hurting me more than ever could have been imagined. i have forgiven friends who have put water in my alcohol....and it froze....haha...but that is a good memory after all the years. All i want to do is move on with my life, and just when i think it is going to be a glorious day, something is said, and someone is offended by what i say. I have not lied about anything. i have not made false accusations. I have not said that something has happened to me that in fact has not happened. I consider myself a pretty genuine person, and an honest one too. I don't lie about grades, bad as they might seem to me! yeah.....i made a D....I don't lie about my weight....as much as i would like to.....yes...im fat......i feel that there is no need to stay behind a mask and keep things from even my closest friends. when i dedicate myself to something, i usually stick with it, unless i know it is beyond my control. This time it was more than i could take.. I know i have hurt people....including myself, but i am not ashamed of anything i have done....i am not ashamed of anything i have said.....i will not appologize for my actions, mostly because i am not sorry. I am a nice, and great person if you really see who i am, and what i stand for. Most people love me....and that is only because i don't feed them bullshit...but anywho, today is much better than yesterday, and i am sure tomorrow will be even better.....especially cause of the plans i have!!!! WHOOP!!! I want so many things out of life....and i am on the brink of it, and i am tired of being brought down by the world...i really do love my life, think that i am extremely lucky for having the few friends that i have, and have been blessed with health. I can't wait to be done with school, 3 months untill i am done with classwork forever..............................................................oops...not forever, but atleast until grad school! I have goals in life, and i will reach them. ok....so i have sort of lost my stream of thought so i am gonna take a nap......stay cool my peeps | | |
| Ok, so....i finally got rid of the lies deception, and emotional stress that has been my life for a while, and i must say, that it feels like shedding an old winter coat, and i will soon have a new life, going in a positive direction, insted of being negative. I am glad i ended it, but i find myself being angry and bitter about not doing it earlier, and dealing with the lies, and mental abuse. Not to mention the online cybering with other girls, and me finding out about it first hand, lying about sexual partners, cheating, and everything. I am so glad to be done with a person like that. I have been very happy for the last two days. I have met new friends, and wish i had some of the old ones back. The ones i should have listed to along time ago. ok, well there is the vent for the day, but i must say, last night was the most fun i have had in a really long time!!!! | | |
| i hate broken promises. i really hate them. I guess i should just assume that everyone is not going to keep to their word. I guess i am just naive to think that when someone tells me something, they don't really mean it. and my feelings get hurt every single time. How could people that care about you as much as they say they do be so unthoughtful. For once i want someone to tell me that, "No, Ash, we are not going to do this," or "No, i am not coming into town." I am really tired of getting told that something will happen, and it doesn't. Then, when I am upset, i am wrong. And another thing, why do people always get mad when i worry about them? Can't they just appreciate that they have someone that cares more about them than anything in the world. I get taken so very wrong. I am so tired of being told not to care about something, it is not my concern.....well friends, if you are in my life, i am going to care about you, and i am not going to let you hurt yourself, if i can help it. And i will worry about each and every one of you, even the ones that i know aren't true friends. I will be the one that is always there, no matter how bad you have treated me. I just really want to make people happy, but by doing this, i cheat myself. should i stay in college station for someone i love, with the chance that they will leave me, or should i see what is out there, go to new places, and do new things. i just want the choice to be made for me, as I change my mind every day on what i want to do. One day i want to stay, and then the next i want to leave this place, that i have seemed to outgrow recently. i want to be grown up. i want to be responisble for myself...and get out of this damn party town....okay, i think i am done venting for the day...toon in same bat time, ands same bat station next week, for all the drama in my life! | | |
| Ok, so i have been thinking lately about the future. I don't know what is instore for me. I have really big decisions to make in the next few months, and i am still going back and forth on what to do. I am in love with someone, and it is really hard. I have never felt the way i feel about him, and it really scares me. As much as i want to be a strong person, and make the choices that are the best for myself, i can't. He plays the biggest role in where my life is going, and he doesn't even realize it. I think that he just wants to be in college, have fun, and not think about the future. I can't do that. Every waking minute for me at this point in my life is preparing me for something much bigger. I don't think about right now. There is too much at stake to make a wrong decision. But back to the boy, I love him with all of my heart, and i know that he loves me just as much. I just feel like i put way too much into us. I sit around and wait for him to call or IM me, with hopes that he wants to see me. Everything i do has atleast something to do with him. I think about him atleast every 5 minutes of the day. I put all of me into our relationship, and i just want to be a stronger person. I don't want to be the girl that cries all the time. Yet lately i find myself in tears too much. We spend less time together than we used to. Now this does not upset me. You would think that if you spend less time together, that the time you do spend together is more quality. I just want him to show me that he loves me. I want him to visit me sometimes. I want to be asked how I am doing, asked about how i feel, and what i want to do. It just seems that now that he has a roomate of his own, that i am cast out. He doesn't need me everyday anymore like he used to to keep him company. I am just feeling left out. I feel like the less time we spend together, the less we connect. Well I have to start doing things for myself, not for us. I want to just live, and be happy, but i am not happy. I hurt everyday over something. Maybe I expect too much...... Maybe I should lower my expectations, and not express the things that are hurting me. Maybe i should just get over it and move on....... | | |
| Well, i am new to this thing. I saw it on Kristy's AOL profile, and thought it would be a good way to vent. We shall see if it works. For those of you who read this, don't take offense if you think that something you see on here is about you. Its prolly about someone else!
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